


She Calls Him James

by FrostWolfGirl



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Divergence - Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Eventual Smut, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-17 15:34:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29102628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrostWolfGirl/pseuds/FrostWolfGirl
Summary: No one calls him James. Except her.Set in 1943 during the events of First Avenger, right after Steve rescues the 107th from Hydra. Bucky wakes up to meet someone he's not expecting.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 18
Kudos: 33





	1. A Shit-Hole

**Author's Note:**

> My hand slipped and I wrote a new fic?
> 
> This is a Living Work, therefore things may change as I realize I made a mistake or a typo is found.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a living work. Changes will be made. 
> 
> Edit: This takes place following Bucky's rescue from the Hydra Base with the 107th. In the 40s, there wasn't a lot known about PTSD or panic attacks. I have edited this work to change mentions of panic attacks to use the term "shell shock". 
> 
> Edit: It was originally mentioned that he was in the barracks when I meant to have him fall asleep in the medical tent. This has been changed.

No one called him James. His entire life, he was Bucky or Buck, never James. In the army he was Barnes or just his rank. His dog tags said James, but that wasn’t his name. It was never his name. Not until _she_ spoke it.

“James?”

The first time he heard her voice he thought he might have been dreaming. He didn’t realize how tired he was until he stretched out on the cot in his camp. He’d been through a lot, so much he needed time to wrap his mind around the situation. His best friend was taller and had mounted a solo mission behind enemy lines to save not just him but 400 men. Then, after a harrowing escape, they _walked_ back. He was proud. Prouder than he’d ever been of anyone in his entire life. Steve—not so little anymore—a hero. A Captain.

After a hot meal, he was ordered to the medical tent. Or well, the best they had in the field, a cot under a thin sheet of fabric that was called a tent. He’d been given the full once over by one of the medical staff, but he waved them off quickly.

“Go check on the others,” Bucky said softly. “I’m fine.” Always putting the men first. He kicked off his boots, shrugged off his tattered jacket and was asleep before his head hit the pillow.

“James? Wake up.”

“Momma?” he asked, blinking back to consciousness. How long had he been out? He shivered a little, blinking his eyes open and closed a few times as the woman before him came into view.

“There he is,” her voice was like air. She was most certainly not his mother. A soft, round face with a warm smile, twinkling eyes and chestnut hair slowly came into focus.

“What time is it?” he asked, pushing himself up from the cot. Her hand was firm on his chest, pushing him back down.

“Ah-ah,” she disagreed. “Rest, James. You’ve been through enough.”

He hit the cot with a huff or satisfaction and a hint of annoyance. But also, relief. So, he was still in Italy. He was still at war. He was still alive. And cold and in pain. But damned if the woman waking him up wasn’t a sight for sore eyes. “Am I dreaming?” he asked with a small smile on his face. “What’s a beautiful woman like you doing in a shit hole like this?”

“You are not dreaming James,” she responded. “Deep breath in.”

He did as she asked, taking in a deep breath. He felt a soft pressure of a stethoscope pressed to his chest. He took several breaths in as it moved to a few different places. She was listening to his heart and it wasn’t lost on him.

“Good,” she murmured. “Look straight ahead. How many fingers am I holding up?”

“What fingers?” he flirted. “All I can see is an angel.”

“James,” she said with a firm tone, but a gentle smile.

“Bucky,” he corrected her. “And three.”

“Thank you, James” she took a note.

“What’s your name, doll?”

“Nurse,” she answered with a wink. “Okay, sit up please. Nice and easy.”

Bucky sat up slowly, grunting a little as his head spun with the action. “Nurse, eh?” he kept up the flirty attention. He was a man, afterall. And lonely. And in this puddle of mud and shit you got your thrills where you could. Maybe in booze, maybe in the arms of a beautiful woman just for a night. He couldn’t remember the last time he was warm. Maybe he’d get lucky now. “That’s it? Just Nurse?”

She was looking down at her charts, making a note. She blinked up, peering at him through her lashes. Her lips pursed in amusement. “My friends call me Victoria,” she answered. “James, what is the last thing you remember before Captain Rogers found you?”

He sighed. Back to business. His head hung a little on his shoulders. “It’s a little blurry,” he admitted, his whole tone changing. “They put something in my arm, and I felt warm all over for a little bit. Then I got cold, and then….” He went quiet after that. His time strapped to the table was made up of fragmented memories, disjointed and nonsensical. He wasn’t sure what happened first. He just remembered pain and cold, and more pain.

“It’s alright, James,” Victoria soothed. She reached out and put her hand on his upper arm. “Take your time. Just tell me what you remember.”

He looked up at her and for the first time he could properly see the color of her eyes. Hazel, with a few flecks of brown around the pupil. His breath would have hitched if he weren’t already sure he’d forgotten how to breathe. He blinked once, twice, his palms suddenly going clammy. His heart rate quickened, but not because she was beautiful. Something happened in his chest and the feeling of needed to get out of there rose up. He shivered, sweat breaking out on his brow.

He needed to run. Fast and far and get some space from whatever was happening to him, but his legs refused to carry him. His entire body was made of lead while his mind screamed at him to run.

Victoria’s eyes widened. “Hey,” she whispered, slowly withdrawing her hand. Bucky couldn’t focus on anything in that moment, but he knew she was moving. His vision started to blur around his periphery. “Easy, James…. Look at me.” He couldn’t. He was frozen. He felt his breathing start to quicken, almost coming in deep gasps but he wasn’t getting enough air. What was happening to him?

“James, shhhh…” her voice was getting further and further away. He both felt and didn’t feel her hands on his cheeks, pulling his gaze up from the ground. His eyes torn themselves away from the nothingness he was looking at and found hers once more. He blinked a few times, feeling himself gulping for air as if he was suffocating. “I’m here. Shhhh….”

There were gentle touches on his cheeks, in his hair, and soft hushes in his ears helping him focus on something that was more than just his basic instinct to run. This stranger, this woman he’d never seen before in his entire life suddenly became his rock. He wanted to reach out to her but couldn’t. All he could do was focus on her eyes.

“Breathe with me,” she encouraged. She took a deep breath in and held it, then slowly exhaled. She did it a few times before Bucky could wrap his head around the idea that he could do it too. His first attempt was pathetic.

“Can’t,” he gasped. His hands finally worked, and he practically flailed to grab her. He needed to _touch_ her, but he wasn’t sure if he was going to cling to her for dear life or throw her out of the way. His hands griped her wrists and squeezed. “Help! Can’t. Breathe.”

“Yes, you can, James,” Victoria encouraged. “It’s alright, I’m here. Breathe in. Nice deep breath.” She showed him again and after a few more examples he found himself following her lead. Though his mind was still screaming to push her out of the way and run.

But run where? He had no where to do.

“Good, James,” she smiled. “Keep breathing. You’re alright. You’re safe.”

“What’s? Happening?” he asked between breaths.

“You’re panicking,” she soothed. “It’s okay. You’ve been through a lot. Keep breathing. Keep breathing with me, James.”

“Vic…tori…a…” he gasped. “Tori… Tori….”

“Shhhh, James.”

“Keep saying that…” His hands began to relax. It was something in how she whispered his name. He’d never liked being called James until that exact moment. When the name James became his anchor. He was James. But only to her.

“Saying what?” she asked softly, her hands still gently brushing his cheeks.

“James.”


	2. A Man with a Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbeta'd.
> 
> This is a Living Work. As I see changed that need to/should be made, I will make them. For realism, I've changed the term panic attack to shell shock.

“I’ve never seen a man so frightened,” Victoria recalled. She shook her head slowly, thinking back to the wild fear in his eyes. “He couldn’t tell me what happened to him, but I think something terrible must have been done.”

Colonel Phillips looked as if he wasn’t listening. He was looking down at something on his table, a disinterested look on his face. “Is there a point to this report?” he finally asked, a tone of exasperation in his voice.

“Sir,” Victoria gulped. “I don’t think he’s ready to go back to duty. Something happened to him and…”

“Is that your _medical_ opinion?” Phillips turned on her, a steely gaze stopping her midsentence. It was well-known that Phillips didn’t respect a woman’s opinion. The very fact she was standing in his tent was a miracle.

Her heart dropped into her stomach. That glare of annoyance would be enough to stop the most grizzled of men in his tracks and it was aimed right at her. She could feel the tension in the air, everything shifting all at once and she fought an urge to shiver. “Yes,” she said bravely. “It is my medical opinion. Sir.”

“Noted,” Phillips barked. “Dismissed.” He might as well have pushed her out. His voice was just as harsh as a slap in the face and a kick in the ass. “Fuck off out of my tent.” Her fight or flight senses took over and before her mouth could catch up with her feet she was outside the tent and rushing to get as much distance between herself and the Colonel as possible.

He reminded her of her father if she were honest. A man with little time for women unless she was in his bed or bringing him dinner. They weren’t things with brains, they were things to use and toss out at dawn when their mysteries had been all discovered. She rushed through the mud and muck until she was back in the safety of the nurse’s station, excusing herself to the latrine where she could finally get a bit of privacy and practice breathing again.

She should have known going to Phillips wasn’t going to listen nor even care about James’ condition. He was a man with a reputation of little patience and little time to suffer in feelings. Victoria had been told time and time again that she was too gentle for a place like war. But she had a resolve to help these men. They’d been through enough darkness, enough pain and terror. They deserved a bit of warmth, didn’t they? A smile and a gentle touch. Soft voices to soothe them through the pain. Didn’t they deserve just a little bit of kindness?

A few deep breaths and one tear that slid down her cheek later and she was composed again. It was clear to her, resolved as she was, that she needed to go around Phillips. She needed someone that would listen to her. James wasn’t ready to back into the field, the bruises forming around her wrists were the indication. He hadn’t meant to hurt her, she knew that. He was fighting a fear he couldn’t vocalize. Once he was breathing again, she was able to give him a light sedative so he could sleep.

Returning to her rounds, she checked the vitals of men in worse shape. Some where going home missing parts of themselves, others were going home in bags. But James… his wounds weren’t visible. How could she explain that James’ injuries were to his heart to a man that didn’t have one? Foolish girl. It was clear what she needed to do next.

She ended her rounds at James’ side, gently listening to his heart and his slow breathing. She couldn’t wake him even if she wanted to. He’d be out for another few hours, but he needed the rest. Returning her stethoscope to her neck, she gently brushed his cheek. “I’ll take care of you,” she whispered to the sleeping man. “I promise. I know what I have to do now.”

\---

Steve ran his hand down his face and sighed. “Who wants my attention now?” he asked. His tone was different from Phillips. Where Phillips was exasperated, Steve was overwhelmed. She could hear it from her place by the tent flap. He was exhausted

“Sir, it’s one of the nurses,” the lieutenant said. “She says it’s important.”

“It’s always important,” Steve replied. “Alright, thanks.”

She could see why everyone was drawn to him. He was the picture-perfect ideal of a man. Tall, blonde, chiseled… everything a woman might want. But she wasn’t here for flirting or anything nefarious. When the lieutenant left them alone, she stepped forward and cleared her throat.

“What’s your name?” he asked, the fatigue evident in his voice.

“Victoria,” she answered. “I’m here for your friend, James.”

“Bucky?” Steve asked, perking up.

She nodded. “Yes,” she answered. “I’m worried about him. I was doing a routine exam and he… he panicked when I asked him what he remembered. It was bad, Captain. I think he's shell shocked.” She stepped closer to show him her wrists. “He didn’t mean to hurt me, sir. He was afraid. I’ve never seen a man so afraid. Sir, I think something terrible has happened to him. He couldn’t tell me what.”

Steve’s hands were big, but gentle when he reached out to turn her hands over and see the darkened circles where Bucky had held onto her for dear life. “He did this?” Steve asked, his eyes flicking up to look at her.

“He did,” she nodded. “He was scared, sir. He was trying to hang onto something to remind him he wasn’t in danger. It’s okay. I’m not mad at him.”

Steve’s hands dropped away. He took a few paces away from her, breathing heavily. For a moment she wasn’t sure this was the right thing to do. Maybe she was betrayed James by going to his friend, his commanding officer.

“Sir, I… I think he’s been tortured,” she ventured. “When you found him, what state was he in?”

Steve was silent for a moment. “Delirious,” he finally admitted. “He didn’t seem to recognize me at first. Can’t say I blame him, I was a little smaller last time I saw him but…” He shook his head and turned back to Victoria. “Have you gone to Colonel Phillips about this?”

“I have,” she nodded.

“And what did he say?”

“Well, not to be too crude, but he told me to ‘fuck off out of his tent,’” she recalled.

Steve cracked a small smile. “That sounds like him,” he admitted with a shrug. “So, you came to me because you thought I’d listen.”

“Yes, sir,” she nodded. “I hear you two are friends. You’ve known him a long time, Captain. When he wakes up, I think you should be there. I think he might be able to talk to you. We need to know what happened to him in there. He…. He’s changed. Something happened to him and we need to know what. But more than that… I’m worried what could happen to him if he’s thrust back out into the war before he’s ready.”

“You think he’d crack under the pressure?” Steve wondered.

“Wouldn’t you?”


	3. Shell Shock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a Living Work. As things need to change, I'll change them. 
> 
> This chapter has been beta'd by my friend Elinor. 
> 
> I don't speak Russian or German, so I'm going off Google Translate. Be kind.

He woke up in his mind first. He could feel himself swimming back up to the surface, but the rest of him wasn’t. It must have been that stuff Tori had given him. She’d told him it would help him rest and that he’d come out feeling foggy for a while. She wasn’t wrong. He grunted a little and rolled to his right, feeling the presence of someone else nearby. Maybe he’d be lucky again.

“Enjoying the show?” Bucky asked, his voice thick with fatigue, his eyes still closed.

“Wouldn’t exactly call it a show,” Steve’s voice broke through his fog-addled brain. “More like a snooze fest.”

“Hey, aren’t you supposed to be punching Hitler?” he joked, peaking out at his best friend through slitted eyes. He still couldn’t get over it. Steve was so changed and yet so familiar. Taller, thicker. Steve had explained it all to him on their way back to safety, but it was still hard to believe. If he hadn’t seen what Hydra could do with his own eyes, he might not have believed it.

“Working on it,” Steve grinned, leaning forward to prop his elbows on his knees. “How ya feeling, Buck?”

“Not bad for the end of the world,” he mused. He stretched his legs and yawned loudly.

“Not if I have anything to say about it,” Steve replied. “C’mon seriously. How are you?”

Bucky opened his eyes and sighed. He knew Steve wouldn’t back down. Either he’d heard about the episode or he was worried on his own, it didn’t matter. Steve wouldn’t go away until Bucky was honest. “Feel like I fell off a train. Everything hurts and I’m not sure what’s real and what isn’t. You talked to her, didn’t you?”

“Victoria,” Steve answered, affirmation clear in his voice. “She may have come to have a visit.”

“Damn,” Bucky sighed, finally finding the energy to sit up. It was then that he realized he wasn’t in the medical tent he’d been left in when he fell asleep. He’d been moved to somewhere a bit more private. A smaller tent with a large table in the middle, a map spread out across the entire table with figures showing where each camp was last reported. Just him and Steve. “You moved me?”

“Thought you might like privacy,” Steve shrugged.

“I don’t want special treatment, Steve,” Bucky warned. The men would talk if Bucky was shown too much favoritism. It would cost him some points with the other men. 

“Afraid they’ll think we’re in love?” Steve winked. “C’mon Buck, you never used to be so squeamish about what the others thought.”

“Dammit, Steve, that’s not the point!” Bucky barked, suddenly feeling an unfathomable amount of frustration rising in his chest. Steve sat back at his friend’s outburst, seemingly caught off guard by it. “There are others out there in worse shape than me!” There was a silence that hung in the air following that. He hadn’t meant to fly off the handle so quickly and suddenly he was embarrassed by it. Of course, Steve was going to take care of him, they’d been thick as thieves most of their lives, hell the man walked into battle alone and without backup just to save him from the enemy. Of course, the concern of a nurse would have Steve rushing in to the rescue once more.

“Sorry,” Bucky mummed. “I didn’t mean to…”

“It’s okay, Buck,” Steve said, not moving. “I know what you meant. Look, Victoria came to me because she didn’t know where else to go. She’s worried and to be frank, I am too. There’s something different about you, Buck. Tell me what’s going on?”

“Can I get a coffee first?” he asked.

\---

Bucky had to admit, the coffee was still shit but at least it was warming him up. Curled up in a blanket, a fresh uniform and a shower and a warm cup of coffee did a man wonders! He took a sip of the bitter drink and frowned back a grimace. He wished they had actual milk out there…

“There’s another base about 20 miles outside the 45 line,” he went on. “Smaller, not much more than a few foot soldiers. Not worth our time.”

Steve added a few pieces to where Bucky indicated on the map, nodding. “So, they’re spread pretty thin now that the main hanger has been destroyed. Any idea where Schmidt might have gone?”

Bucky shook his head. “No, they were careful not to share information,” he said. “The less you knew, the less you could give away if you were compromised.”

“Smart,” Steve replied. 

“Buck, what happened in there?” Steve asked, leaning back against the table.

Again, he felt that fear rising in his chest. His hands clenched his mug a little tighter, eyes glazing over. “It’s…. blurry,” he muttered.

“Anything you can remember, Buck,” Steve said softly. “Just try.”

He shook his head, feeling that terror begin to rise up again. It was like something was blocking him from remembering everything. He could remember the heat in his blood, the pain that followed and the cold that followed that. He could remember the hard table under him, the straps that seemed to grow tighter the colder he felt. He could recall lights, bright lights in his eyes and whispered words that seemed both close and distant at the same time. He could remember a few phrases, but he only had a tertiary knowledge of the German language. 

_ “Syvorotka super soldata.”  _ He remembered that phrase and he felt his breath hitch again. 

“Can-can you get Tori?” he asked after a moment.

“The nurse?” Steve’s brow rose a little.

“Please?”

“Yeah,” Steve agreed, stepping out to send someone to find her.

It should have been easier to talk to Steve. They’d known each other for so long, there was no reason to fear Steve would rebuke him or think him weak. He knew inherently that he didn’t do anything wrong to cause the outcome, but something in him couldn’t quite say the words. He wanted to talk about it, but he didn’t know how. It felt like a lifetime before she showed up. He tried to recall the breathing she taught him in the medical tent, but without something to anchor himself to, he felt like he was slipping into a turbulent sea of emotions. 

“You wanted to see me Captain?” her voice broke through Bucky’s rampant thoughts. 

“Not me,” Steve replied, nodding his head at Bucky. 

When she touched his arm he felt like he could breathe again. He tore his eyes off the floor and there was his girl, all softness and concern. “Tori….” he gasped. 

“I’m here,” she replied in the sweetest voice he’d heard all day. He felt her sit down next to him on the cot, her small hands reaching to gently pry the coffee mug from his grasp and replace it with her hands. “Are you having an episode, James?” He nodded his head. 

“All I did was ask him what happened,” Steve chimed in. 

“It’s alright, Captain,” Victoria spoke. Bucky could tell the words were directed at Steve, but she never looked away from him. “There’s a lot we don’t know about shell shock. Sometimes certain memories can set off an episode. James, you’re safe here, okay It’s alright to remember what happened when you’re here. They can’t hurt you here. Tell us what happened.” 

“When I was on the table, I heard a lot about the Soldier Program,” Bucky recalled. “They spoke in German, I think. I don’t know. I just remember hearing ‘soldat.’” He worried his bottom lip, a habit he’d had since a boy when he was searching for the right words. 

“You’re doing so good, James,” Victoria told him, giving his hands a little squeeze. He blinked down at his hands and saw the dark circles around her wrists, sending his stomach into backflips. 

“Your wrists…” he remarked in a strangled voice. 

“...Are fine, James,” she interrupted him. She tilted his chin with her hand, drawing him back up to her eyes. “My wrists are fine. What words did they use specifically? Can you remember what they said?” 

“Syvorotka super soldata,” he repeated the words he remembered. 

Her eyes widened. “They weren’t speaking German,” she muttered, turning to Steve. “My grandmother was Russian, and never spoke a word of English. Syvorotka super soldata means super soldier serum.” 


	4. He Calls Her Doll

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta read by Elinor.

Agent Carter was frowning, but then Victoria wasn’t sure she’d ever seen the woman smile. It wasn’t a condemnation, of course. Victoria knew full well what it took to be a woman in a man’s world. Smiling is something a lady did when she wanted attention, not respect. Strong women were usually frowning. They had to if they wanted to be taken seriously. 

James was squeezing her hand tightly, still breathing heavily as if he couldn’t quite shake the fear. She remained patient as she explained what she thought was happening and the translated words she could make out. 

“I’m far from fluent,” she admitted. “But I can hold my own in a conversation.” 

Agent Carter nodded and turned her back, pulling Steve with her. They held a hushed conversation, of which Victoria was certain that she was the subject matter. It was true, a field nurse had no business in the presence of any of them. She didn’t have the clearance or the status. 

James squeezed her hands again which drew her from her thoughts. “How are you feeling, James?” she asked softly. Fine, if Carter and Rogers could have a hushed conversation, so could she!

“Jittery,” he admitted. “Like I want to run but there isn’t a place far enough I can go.” 

She nodded and turned his hand over. “I’m going to take your pulse, okay? Just try to be still.” She pressed two fingers to his wrist and counted in her head. “Close your eyes, James. Just breathe nice and slow.” She heard him next to her, deep breaths in through his nose, nice long exhales through his mouth just as she’d taught him. She focused on his pulse and as he breathed, she could tell it was helping bring his pulse down. It was on the higher side, but not alarmingly high. High enough to cause jitters, but not enough to be concerned about. She nodded and smiled softly. “Your pulse is a little elevated, but it’s okay. Just keep breathing nice and steady.” 

“How’d you learn all this stuff?” he asked, peeking at her through his lashes. 

She shrugged. “Same way you learned how to be a soldier, I suppose,” she answered. “I went through training.” 

“Bet you didn’t have to do many pushups,” he scoffed. It was the first genuine smile she’d seen from him since his first episode in the medical tent. 

“No, no pushups,” she giggled softly. “But I did have to dissect some things.” She didn’t notice how it happened, but their fingers had entwined at some point, as if it were natural for their hands to be together. 

Steve cleared his throat, causing Victoria to start a little and break the moment between her and James. She’d almost forgotten he was there and scolded herself a little for getting lost in James’ eyes. She ought to be more aware that he was a man in crisis and vulnerable. It wouldn’t be fair of her to use that to her advantage. 

“Sorry to interrupt but, I think we have what we need for now,” Steve stated. 

“If you’ll excuse us, Nurse Norwack, we have much to discuss,” Carter interjected. The soft lull of her accent hardly masked her impatience.

Victoria nodded and moved to stand when James’ hands tightened on hers, keeping her tethered to him. “She stays,” he remarked. 

“Barnes with all due respect…” Carter began. 

“She stays!” James barked. 

“James, no,” Victoria murmured, shaking her head. “She’s right. I have no business here. You’ll be alright.” 

“Tori,” he broke in. “I can’t explain what’s happening to me, but I can breathe easier when you’re here, okay? Please.” 

Oh dear. This was worse than she’d thought. She should rebuke this, tell James that he was having feelings that weren’t exactly his own. They were the effects of serotonin and high emotions in an intense and charged moment. He was vulnerable and she was being kind and that’s sometimes all it took. 

“James…” she began. “You have every reason to be scared, but you know you’re safe here. You don’t need me to help you breathe. You’ll be just fine on your own. There are other men that need me more right now. You can come see me when you’re done here, okay? We’ll take a walk.” 

He hesitated and for a moment she was worried he would argue, but his hold on her began to loosen and finally their hands parted. “A walk?” he asked with a little twinkle in his eyes. “What about a dance?”

 _Shit…_ “Bring me a coffee with real milk and we’ll see,” she flirted back.

\---

The walk never happened. That night there’d been a new raid on a Nazi Encampment nearby and there were more wounded coming in. She’d heard that James had come by looking for her but was sent away when there wasn’t enough room.

Exhaustion was an understatement. After that stunt with Phillips she found herself suddenly pulling double duty. So much for her medical opinion! It had been a week since she’d left James in Roger’s tent and he’d come by every day.

“Don’t you need to check my pulse?” James would ask with a wink and a twinkle in his eyes. Victoria would playfully roll her eyes, check his pulse, and report that it was normal.

“Why don’t you check again, Doll?” he’d ask. “Cause I’m pretty sure my heart’s pounding.” She couldn’t deny that the way his eyes twinkled was starting to get the better of her. Not to mention that she had always been a sucker for the blue-eyed boys. But it was starting to get the attention of the others.

“That soldier’s taken a shine to you,” it was Patty, another one of the girls on the nursing staff. In all there were 17 of them. And in a place like this, nothing went unnoticed.

“It’s nothing, Patty,” Victoria remarked, a coy smile turning up the corners of her mouth. “He’s just confused and grateful, that’s all.”

“No, I’ve seen how he looks at you,” Patty murmured. “You two ought to slip off to a quiet spot and… you know.” Patty nudged Victoria with her elbow.

“Patty!” Victoria scolded. Nice girls didn’t _do_ that sort of thing.

“What?” Patty reacted with a giggle and a shrug. “It’s not like it counts. These boys, they come and go like the wind. Just don’t get knocked up.”

Victoria couldn’t believe what she was hearing, and it showed on her face. Her eyes were wide, mouth gaped open slightly in a silent gasp. “Have you…? With one of…?” She couldn’t even finish the sentence.

“Oh, come on, Vicky,” Patty teased. “We all have. You mean you haven’t?”

“But….” Victoria was aghast. No. She hadn’t. She hadn’t even thought of it. Of course, there was some harmless flirting from time to time with the soldiers. Give them a little bit of a thrill while they were away from their girls back home. But she’d never considered anything more.

“Oh, good grief, you haven’t,” Patty said with a hint of realization. “Look, it’s not a big deal, okay. Make sure he doesn’t… you know… inside.”

“I have to go,” Victoria said suddenly, her face flushed bright red with embarrassment. She’d never spoken so candidly about sex before, not even with her girlfriends back home. It’s just not something the good girls talked about. She turned on her heels and ducked out of the nurses station, walking quickly to get some air. She should have been paying more attention to where she was going, but with how red she knew her face was, she didn’t want anyone seeing her and getting the wrong idea. 

\---

Victoria didn’t revisit her conversation with Patty. It wasn’t that Victoria saw Patty any differently, but she was starting to see things with a bit more realism. Perhaps it was a bit naïve to think that no one was acting on base instincts. There was a war on and very little good came from places like this. You took the good where you could find it. And maybe it was in the escape of someone’s arms.

The harmless flirting seemed much less harmless now. Maybe it was more harmful when it came to men like James. He’d been through a trauma and he was obviously taken by her charms. It hadn’t been her intention to ensnare him. She’d spent the rest of her rotation obsessing about what she should do next. He would undoubtedly come back at any moment and if Patty was noticing, who else had by then?

What if this wasn’t harmless at all? What if one of them ended up hurt? She hadn’t really thought beyond the right now and beyond it was an eventual parting.

She was finishing a note on a chart when something from behind her covered her eyes. “Guess who?” James’ whispered voice broke her from her thoughts. She couldn’t help but smile.

“Come by for your daily check up, Sergeant Barnes?” she asked.

“Sergeant?” James asked, a feign of surprise in his voice. He uncovered her eyes and pulled the notepad from her hands, placing it on the table in front of her and turning her to face him all in one fluid motion. “Sergeant? When did we get formal, Nurse Norwack?” 

Victoria quickly looked around the tent to be sure they were alone. “When you got your promotion,” she murmured.

“Ah, come on, Doll,” he flirted, drawing her hand to his mouth and planting a little playful kiss on her knuckles. “I’m still the same guy.”

“James,” she began softly. “We have to stop…”

“Shh,” he hushed her playfully. “No one’s looking.” He leaned in close, eyes slowly rolling shut. She knew what he was after and quickly turned her face away.

“James,” she said a bit more forcefully. He froze. “People are starting to talk.”

“So?” he asked surprised. “People always talk. Let them talk.”

She turned her eyes up to him and noted the confusion she saw in his gaze. For a moment she wanted to let her guard down. He wasn’t wrong. No one was around. What harm could there be in one kiss. It was just a kiss, right? But then there would be another and another and then…. Her mind traveled down the rabbit hole of what it could lead to and all of it ended with the two of them parting eventually.

“It’s never going to work,” she whispered.

James blinked. She watched as the gears turned through his head until he realized what she meant. “Who said anything about it not working?” he asked a real note of confusion in his voice.

“How do you think this is going to end?” she asked honestly. 

“Oh,” James nodded. She could tell that last statement hit home a little based on the new look coming to his eyes. 

“James, the kind of things I see,” she shook her head. “I don’t want to see you come back like the others or worse… never come back at all. I don’t want to get in over our heads. And I’ve…. Well, you probably have someone to go home to…” 

“Tori,” James spoke gently. “Stop.” He was wearing a casual smile, like he’d had this sort of conversation before. “If you’re worried about another girl, I don’t have one. It’s just a kiss. No harm in that, right? Besides, we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. I want to kiss you. We can’t control what might happen. All we’ve got is right now. And I’m here right now.” 

She drew her bottom lip between her teeth and heard him inhale a little sharply. He stepped in again, cradling her face then with both hands. “Nothing I don’t want to do,” she repeated in a hushed whisper.

“Promise,” he nodded, his thumbs brushing her cheeks. She couldn’t help but shiver a little. She’d never been kissed. How ridiculous was that? A 26-year-old woman that had never been kissed. 

“What if I don’t know how?” she wondered. 

“Just follow my lead,” he smiled gently. 

James leaned forward, closing the distance between them. Without realizing it, Victoria let her eyes roll shut just as their lips brushed. It was soft, sweet really. Just a gentle pressing of lips together. She found herself inhaling deeply through her nose, shoulders pulling back a little. She rose to her toes, her torso straightening, as if she were reaching for more of him. It felt like a whole lifetime was happening in just those few seconds. A warmth in her chest crashed over her heart and all through her body. She was done for, she knew it. Too late to stop this now, she might as well admit it. Even with her reservations it was too late to stop the unfathomable feelings that were set loose through the floodgates. Maybe, just maybe, it could work. She could try. 

He pulled back, just a few inches to break the kiss. “See?” he whispered. “Not so hard, was it?” 

Victoria couldn’t open her eyes. If she did, she was certain it would break the magic. She shook her head in response. “No,” she agreed. 

“Want to do it again?” he asked permission. 

“Yes…” 


	5. The Craziest Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Did you order a helping of shippy fluff?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta'd by Elinor.
> 
> The song that Bucky sings is called "The Craziest Dream" and was very popular in 1943 (the year this scene is taking place). In 1943 it was recorded by Helen Forest, and later by Nat King Cole and Frank Sinatra respectively. The link below is to the Nat King Cole version of this song and the way I imagine Bucky would sing it to Tori. 
> 
> The Craziest Dream: https://youtu.be/WUKIsuC8f1o

“Hey, Tori?” Bucky whispered. He’d slipped in through the flap and crept along the line of beds until he found her. For a few moments he just watched the steady rise and fall of her breath, captivated by the sweetness of her features. It wasn’t fair they had to meet in such a place as this. He should have met her back home in New York and taken her out for a milkshake like a regular fella might. But after a few moments, he crept up close to gently brush a lock of hair from her face. “Tori?”

The simple way she woke up was poetic. First came a breath, then a blink and a small noise that he could only attribute to a sigh. She was too gentle to grunt. “Hey, doll,” he whispered, before putting his index finger over his lips and making a shushing sound.

“James?” she whispered, clearly still swimming to the surface. “What time is it?”

“About oh-one-hundred,” he answered. “Get up, I want to show you something.”

“What on Earth…” she began to ask before he gently placed a kiss to her lips, quieting her. He savored the feel of her mouth, still sweet from the commissioned chapstick they got in their rations. He hated the stuff, frankly, but something about it on her lips made it taste different. He held his mouth to hers until he felt her return the kiss and instinctively, he hummed happily in the back of his throat. It felt so _nice_ just to kiss a girl.

“Trust me, doll,” he whispered, drawing back just a little. “I got something to show you.” He pulled back to offer her his hand. It was a treat to see her wake up. Prior to that moment he’d seen her put together, ready for just about anything. Beyond their first kiss, there hadn’t been much of a conflict of emotions. Once that barrier was broken through, he’d slip in to steal kisses whenever he had an opportunity. From sneaking a kiss behind the mess, to poking in on her at the nurse’s station when she was alone. One time at the end of her shift he scooped her up and sat her on a desk, going so far as to let their bodies rut against one another for a few moments of bliss. Truthfully, she’d become a bit undone after that moment, but waking her up in the middle of the night was the first time he’d seen her so keyed up. It was more than adorable.

“James, I’m hardly dressed for this,” she hissed softly, sitting up in bed.

“Who said anything about clothes, doll?” he flirted in a whisper. The look she gave him brought a soft chuckle to his lips. It was a mix of pure incredulity and shock. Her eyes said it all to him, excuse me? “Tori, nothing you don’t want to do, remember. Scouts honor.” He held up three fingers pressed together, then held out his hand to her again. “Please?”

He watched her resolve crumble. He’d always been good with the ladies, but she was a bit harder to crack sometimes. He liked it. She offered a bit more of a challenge than some of the women he’d had back home. When a man in uniform strolled in the door, the girls seemed to flock to him. But Victoria was more reserved than that. When she took his hand, his smile broke from casual to full on glee. He pulled her to her feet and right into his arms, hugging her a bit tighter than he’d originally meant. He couldn’t help himself; he missed the warmth a woman could provide, and she was intoxicating.

“You’re mad,” she whispered with a tease on her lips.

“Mad for you,” he retorted, stealing a quick kiss. “Get your shoes on, doll. I’ve got a full night planned.”

“A full night?” she asked, slipping on her shoes, and tugging her nurse's coat over her shoulders. He couldn’t deny seeing her in her night clothes was a bit exciting. “James, we have our duties tomorrow.”

When she stood up again, he slipped his arms around her waist. “Remember what I told you about not worrying about the future?” he asked casually. “We’ve got right now, Tori. Let’s just focus on that, okay? Tomorrow is a problem for later.”

He thought he might have struck a nerve. She was quiet for a moment and in the darkness, he couldn’t quite read her expression well, but he thought she might change her mind. Frankly, he wasn’t sure his heart could take that kind of rejection. He was so smitten with the girl in his arms it was beginning to become something of a distraction. Of course, it helped when he felt another episode come on, he had something to focus on, but at night he was having trouble sleeping knowing she was so close and yet so far. 

The episodes were coming less frequently, especially now that his heart was full of something warm. But they still came, brought on suddenly by a question Steve or Peggy would ask. Brought on by a basic training exercise to keep their skills sharp between battles. Brought on by a hard surface or a bright light. And each time he’d feel the panic rise in his chest he’d close his eyes and imagine her teaching him how to breathe through it. 

“Okay,” Tori finally whispered. 

Bucky couldn’t help himself, he scooped her up off the ground and spun her just once. “Hold my hand,” he whispered, kissing her cheek. “And stay quiet.” He was taking a huge risk being so bold. Of course, quick flings in hidden spots weren’t totally out of the ordinary, but he was stealing away with his gal in the middle of the night. 

He led her out of the tent and dashed across the camp, ducking behind a tent or two just to steal a kiss and giggle. He felt like a schoolboy all over again, not that he’d ever been a school boy in the typical sense. Sure, he and Steve had known each other since boyhood and often had been in their fair share of playground brawls, but Bucky had never really been a kid that went to school so much as he was a kid that learned from the streets. He was practically giddy by the time they’d made it to his intended destination. 

It wasn’t much to look at. Certainly, wasn’t what she deserved, but it was the best he could do considering the circumstances. He’d pulled her through a line of parked trucks on the outskirts of the camp until they reached a small box-like area surrounded on all sides by large military transport vehicles, the big ones that could fit 20 men in the back. He’d put a blanket out in the middle of the area and lit a lantern, not too bright to call attention to them, but enough for them to see each other. 

The night was clear, not a cloud in the sky. From where they were, they could see one arm of the Milky Way reach out into the great expanse. Stars twinkled in the sky the way light danced in her eyes when they flirted. 

“Thought we might go on our first date,” he suggested, a little shy. He still held her hand, giving her a moment to just look around the little spot he’d made for them. “Can’t take you dancing like a proper fella, but… it’s the best I got.”

“Dancing?” Victoria asked, quirking up a perfect eyebrow playfully at the question and God Almighty if his heart didn’t skip a beat at that expression every single time. “Don’t we need music for dancing?” 

“Well, I thought…” Bucky grinned, drawing her in closer so he could wrap an arm around her waist. “…Maybe we could just pretend?” 

“How am I supposed to count?” she asked with that teasing lilt in her tone. 

He was a goner. “Just follow my lead, doll,” he smirked casually. “I won’t let you get tripped up.” Before too long they’d fallen into step with one another, a gentle easy two-step. It was an introduction to the night. He’d start her off slow to warm her up before pulling out the big moves. 

A few rotations and he gave her a little dip. She let out a warm laugh as he held her upside down and pecked her nose with his lips. Pulling her back up, he gave her a little spin and pulled her back into his arms, setting himself up to slot his lips right against her ear. 

_“I had the craziest dream last night, yes I did,”_ he sang softly in her ear. He couldn’t see her reaction, but he felt her shiver a little and it sent a jolt of electricity through his body. “ _I never dreamt it could be, yet there you were, in love with me.”_

He drew back a little then so he could gaze down at her. She was just the right height for him. Not too short that he’d have to bend over to kiss her, but not exactly the same height as he. He could dip his head down to brush her lips or turn his chin up a little to kiss her brow. But he didn’t move for a kiss just yet, just close enough so he could. _“I found your lips close to mine so I kissed you…”_ he sang and then he did as he’d promised, stealing a slow and soft kiss. He took his time with her mouth, not prodding her to open her mouth at all, just holding her lips against his with a sweet passion he felt growing in his chest. Her usual response to a kiss was to breathe in and open her chest. He wondered if she was trying to breathe him in. 

He broke the kiss, without opening his eyes or pulling more than a few centimeters away. _“And you didn't mind it at all. When I'm awake such a break never happens. How long can a guy go on dreaming?”_

He opened his eyes to look at her and when they locked their gazes, he saw the same softness he felt looking back up at him. This was more than a fling for her too, wasn’t it? He hoped so. Maybe war wasn’t all so bad if it brought someone so gentle and warm into his life, into his arms. Maybe there would be a chance at some peace when all this was over. 

_“If there's a chance that you care, then, please, say you do, baby,”_ he sang softly. They’d stopped moving somewhere, he couldn’t place when or how. But he noticed it when he combed his fingers through her hair. It’s the first time he’d seen it down, rather than pulled back in some updo style of the day. It was just as soft as he’d hoped and hung just a little past her shoulders in soft waves. _“Say it and make my craziest dream come true….”_

She was still in his arms, but nonetheless he could tell his words had an effect on her. It wasn’t like he didn’t mean them. These feelings had been growing since he woke up to her face and were finally so loud he could no longer ignore them. 

Rather than respond in words, Tori did something he didn’t expect. She leaned up and kissed him. It was the first time she kissed him. Up until then, he’d been doing all the kissing and she’d been kissing back. It surprised and delighted him. He squeezed her a little tighter then, cradling the back of her head as their lips parted naturally. He didn’t force anything along, he just let her lead. He teased a little tongue along her bottom lip and heard her whimper softly.

He chuckled softly at that sound. “Like that?” he whispered.

“Uh-huh…” Tori murmured against his lips, coming in for another one. He gave her another lingering kiss before pulling away again.

“Easy, doll,” he soothed. “We have all night for kisses.” He nuzzled her face with his nose, kissing her cheek a little. “I’m not done dancing with you yet.”

They fell into step again, he tucked her head under his chin and hummed another song, dancing slowly until the tune ended. He held her tight against his chest. This place was too harsh for someone like her. But then if she hadn’t come… He shook that thought away. She was with him now and in his arms. It didn’t matter what had brought her to him or what would happen next, he had to live in the moment. It was all he really had.

He buried his nose in her chestnut hair, kissing the crown of her head. She had small ears and wide set eyes, high cheekbones that led up to a set of hazel eyes that were the perfect walnut shape. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, drawing back a little. “You never answered my question, doll.”

Tori turned her head up. Still they danced slowly under the stars, eyes locked on one another. “I think you know the answer, James,” she remarked.

He loved how she said his name. He sighed softly, a little shiver going down his spine. Only she could make his formal name sound like music. Bucky shook his head. “I want to hear you say it, Tori.”

Maybe he was pushing her too hard, but he’d put his heart out on the table for her. He was taking a huge risk sneaking out at night. He nuzzled her again, planting a small kiss at the corner of her mouth. “I’m crazy for you, baby,” he whispered. “Say you feel the same.”

He pulled back again and brushed her cheek with the back of his hand. Her eyes fluttered closed and open again. It was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

“I’m over the moon for you, James,” she whispered without a hint of deception in her voice.

His smile grew wider. He spun her around a few times, planting her back on her feet and kissing her face all over. Hearing her say the words made it real. “Be my girl,” he begged her. “We’ll get out of here and go wherever you want. I’ll get you a house with a picket fence and rose garden in the back yard. We’ll get a dog and go down to the diner on Sundays for breakfast.”

“James,” she giggled. “Have you lost your mind?”

“No, doll,” he grinned. “I’m finally seeing clear for the first time!” He really believed in that moment that his dreams could come true. “When this is over, I’ll take you back home with me. Or I’ll go home with you. Wherever you want to go! And I’ll get us a little plot of land and we’ll build a house. Where do you want to live, Tori? Tell me, I’ll make it happen.”

She was laughing, but he didn’t think for a second she might be laughing at him. “I’m from Wisconsin,” she answered.

“We’ll get a farm!” he dreamed, picking her up again. “I’ll get some cows, we’ll make cheese. We’ll live happily ever after, you me and the cows!”

“I don’t have cows just because I’m from Wisconsin,” Tori laughed brightly. “I wouldn’t know how to milk a cow if I had to.”

“Okay, no cows,” Bucky agreed. “Maybe a goat, though?”

“You’ve lost your mind, James,” she teased, shaking her head.

“So, no goat either?” he joked. Tori shook her head no, still laughing.

“I can live without goats,” he promised. “And cows and a farm. But I don’t want to live without you.”

Something changed in her then, a sadness he hadn’t been expecting washed over her eyes. “Oh James,” she murmured. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

“I’m not,” he said seriously. From that moment on, nothing could keep him from living out his life with her. “I’m gonna get you away from here. I’m gonna give you the life you deserve. No more mud and shit, or broken bones and blood for my gal. I’m gonna take care of you just like you’ve been taking care of me.”

“This is crazy, James,” Tori shook her head. “We don’t even know each other.”

“We’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, doll,” he disagreed. “Wars don’t last forever. We’ve got Hitler on the run; we’ll win this any day now! And then I’m gonna go wherever you go.”

“Don’t you have family waiting for you?” she asked. “Wisconsin isn’t very romantic.”

“Nah,” he told her. “Momma died when I was a boy and Pop’s gone too. Gran took me in, but when she passed, I enlisted. Only family I’ve got is Steve now, and he doesn’t need me anymore. There’s nothing waiting for me in New York but filth and bad memories.”

Tori was still for a moment, as if she were studying him to see if he was telling the truth. Until she wiggled her way into his life, he didn’t have any reason to settle down. New York wasn’t really home so much as it was a place he’d lived and was from. He didn’t have a home. The Army had been his home and the 107th his brothers. But it wasn’t enough to make him feel full or alive. Tori had breathed new life into his lungs. She was the kind of woman you waited for at the end of an aisle.

Suddenly he realized her bottom lip was trembling. Her shoulders shook a little. “Are you cold, doll?” he asked sweetly.

“No,” she answered, and in her voice, he could hear the tears.

“Oh, Tori, what is it?” he asked, worried he’d done something to hurt her. “Did I say something wrong? Tell me.”

“No one’s ever…” she whimpered, a small sob breaking her voice. “…with me… Oh, James. I’m scared to hope.”

“Shhhh….” He hushed her. He’d gotten lost in his own imagination. Of course, to her these visions would be real, they should be real. But they were so far away from something so wonderful. She’d already said before she was afraid of what could happen if he didn’t come back. He kissed her forehead. “I’m sorry, beautiful. I didn’t want you to be sad. I want to make you happy.”

“You do, James,” she sobbed softly.

He chuckled softly, stealing a few kisses from her lips, then kissing away her tears. “I promise you, Tori,” he vowed, and he meant every single word that fell from his lips. “I promise you right now, under all these stars and as God as my witness, no matter what happens, I’ll always come back for you. And we’ll go home together.”


	6. Hail Hydra

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta'd by Elinor. 
> 
> Sorry this took so long. This chapter was actually re-written almost completely. The first draft of this wasn't flowing.

“Found him in an alley behind a movie theatre,” James was chuckling softly. “Naturally, he’d picked a fight with the biggest guy in there and just wouldn’t go down.” 

Victoria giggled. They’d moved into the back of one of the transport vehicles where James had laid down a spare sleeping bag for them to sit on and he used his jacket as a pillow for her. She was resting on her back, looking up at James, who’d propped himself up on his elbow. He curled a finger through a lock of her hair and kept playing with it as if it fascinated him. 

“It’s hard for me to imagine Captain Rogers small,” she admitted. The very idea seemed ludicrous and like something out of a science fiction novel. 

“Imagine my surprise when he showed up in the Hydra base,” James smirked. “I thought I was hallucinating.” 

Tori smiled softly and played with his dog tags absently. “Why did you enlist, James?” she asked softly. 

“It was the right thing to do,” he shrugged. “With the war on I knew where I was needed. I couldn’t follow Steve around forever, you know? Eventually we all must find our own paths. What about you?”

“I was a reserve nurse,” she answered. “I’d been working at Mr. Schneider’s Pharmacy since I was ten and reading medical books since I was old enough to read. It was run by an old man and his wife, both from Germany. They came looking for a better life, like a lot of people. They hired me to help Greta because she couldn’t speak English, except for one word.”

“What word was that?” James asked. 

“Bullshit,” she smiled. James laughed. “I learned a lot about medicine there. When I was 18 I enlisted in the Army Nurse Corps as a reserve nurse and two years ago I was sent out when the National Emergency was declared.”

“So, that makes you twenty-one or twenty-two?” he asked with a tease. 

“Twenty-three,” she corrected him. “I’ve been an army nurse for five years.” 

“But, you’re so soft,” James shook his head, abandoning the curl he was playing with in favor of carding his fingers through her hair. “This is no place for you.” 

“I’m not that soft, James,” she chided, rolling her eyes playfully. “You aren’t the first man I’ve seen with shell shock. My first tour, I held a man while he died. He’d lost his legs from the knees down, but the infection had already taken hold of him. He was delirious, crying out for his mother…” She gulped and looked away, feeling the heat of tears starting to sting her eyes. “The others were too afraid to approach him, but I just… I couldn’t let him die alone.”

“What was his name?” James asked. 

“They called him Freddy,” she remembered. “He had brown eyes.” She blinked and a hot tear rolled down her cheek when she glanced back at James. “I held his hand until the end.” 

“See?” he said softly, brushing her cheek with his thumb. “This is what I mean. This is no place for someone like you.”

“It’s exactly the right place for something like me, James,” she disagreed. “The world is ugly, people betray you, deceive you. People leave you when you’ve run out of use for them. You boys, you put your lives in the line so the rest of the world can go on turning and being ugly. You see the worst parts of mankind. You deserve kindness. You deserve someone to care for you, to remember you.”

James looked sad when she spoke. She dropped his tags and brushed his cheek. Funny, he made these little touches seem so natural. Before James there’d been a handful of suitors that never gave her much interest. Love hadn’t been a factor in her life until James. She’d seen what a committed relationship had done to her mother and then again to her sister. It wasn’t a life she wanted to live. But James seemed to be breaking every idea she had about love and relationships. He was casual, easy to talk with, she believed he was listening, he teased but also took everything he said very seriously. He wasn’t like the men back home or even the other soldiers. He wasn’t out for a roll in the hay, so to speak. He genuinely seemed interested in the long haul. 

His eyes closed when she touched his face and he leaned into her hand a little. It seemed so out of character for a man to be so soft. “How come a man hasn’t come through and scooped you up by now?” James asked softly, his eyes sweet when he looked down at her. “Not that I’m complaining, of course. Just surprised someone like you don’t have a guy back home.” 

Victoria shrugged. “I wasn’t interested in the boys back home,” she answered honestly. “My dad left when I was a little girl, ran off with another woman. My sister married for money, not for love. And the boys back home aren’t interested in a woman with a job. They all want something pretty to come home to that will cook them dinner and be quiet.” 

James chuckled. “So, you think I’m interesting?” he smirked. 

“That’s what you got from that?” Victoria smiled, shaking her head. James just laughed again. 

“I guess I just feel lucky now,” he admitted after a moment. He shrugged casually.

“Maybe I feel lucky too,” she suggested, her hand moving to his shoulder and along his collar bone. A small tuft of chest hair peaked out from under the collar of his shirt and it made her smile. She’d never expected to find chest hair attractive. She’d seen it on a hundred men if she’d seen it once in her line of work. But James’ was the first that wasn’t in dire straits. She ran her index finger over the hollow of his throat and watched his Adam’s Apple bob when he swallowed. “Why me?” she asked softly.

“What do you mean, doll?” James asked.

“I mean… James, you’re so casual when you talk to me,” she explained. “You’ve done this a thousand times by now, right? You could have your pick of the world, probably already have. But you’re making promises to me for something long-term and it doesn’t make sense. This could end tomorrow. You or I could be called away at any moment and that would be it.” She glanced away from his throat and looked deeply into his eyes. “I can live in the moment tonight, but… James I’m not interested in empty promises. I saw what happened to my mother when he left us. She was never the same and no one wants a woman that’s already been had.”

James was quiet for a moment, his eyes dipping away from hers as if he were ashamed of himself. Victoria couldn’t for the life of her see what he had to be ashamed of. Unless he’d been feeding her lies all night long looking for a fast track to the bedroom.

“You make me feel different,” he murmured. He rolled his lips a little as if he were gathering his thoughts and organizing them into words. “I’d be lying if I said you were my first. But… I think I’d like you to be my last.” He peaked at her shyly. “There’s nothing empty in these words, Tori. You make me want to be a better man.” 

“It just seems so fast,” Victoria murmured. 

“When you know, you know,” he replied, leaning down to nuzzle her softly. “And I know. I don’t need to look for my best gal. I’ve found her. And I’ll be waiting for her when she decides she’s ready to be my best gal.” He turned his head and planted a soft kiss on her lips. It was like their first kiss. Sweet, slow as if he were savoring the feel of her mouth. It made her inhale deeply as her eyes rolled closed. He shifted his weight a little and rolled over her, covering her body with his. 

She should stop this. She shouldn’t let him go too far, in the middle of a muddy field in the back of a truck. But the way he kissed her was overwhelming. Without meaning to, her arms wrapped around his shoulders and she let her fingers comb through the hair along the back of his head. She felt him smile against her lips before he pulled away a few centimeters. 

“I’m not going to leave you waiting in Wisconsin forever,” he promised. “And I don’t want just a pretty girl to make me dinner. I want to protect you. I want to take care of you.” He carded his fingers through her hair again, propping himself on his elbows on either side of her. “Think maybe you can try to trust me?” 

She smiled softly, studying him for a long time. He was so sincere that it almost hurt. The other boys back home all wanted one thing, a wife to keep them occupied at home while they went about their lives freely. But James didn’t seem interested in any of that. He said all the right things in all the right ways. Her heart was begging her brain to believe him, to take a chance on this wild ride just for once. Sometimes you must let go. 

“Yes,” she finally agreed. “I want to take this chance with you.” 

He broke out into a grin and leaned in to kiss her again, but their lips never met. They froze when a commotion broke out further in the camp. James rolled off to the side and sat up, Victoria followed suit, peering through the lines of trucks. It sounded like shouting, then in the distance between the vehicles she could see flashes of light. 

Just as she opened her mouth to ask what he thought was happening, the alarm went off. 

“It's a ground assault,” James cried out, springing to his feet. 

\--- 

Instantly, his soldier side took over. He pulled Tori from the truck bed and ducked next to the adjacent vehicle so he could peak over the hood. He put his arm over her torso, pushing her back against the truck in a silent form of protection. 

This was crossing a line, even for the Nazis. From his vantage point he took in one point at a time and wished he had his sniper rifle. From here he could pick them off one at a time. He’d explain why he was there with a girl later… His eyes flitted from one side of the camp to the other, counting and watching the assault form. 

This wasn’t like any Nazi attack he’d ever seen before. The Nazi’s were usually more calculated than this. This one seemed almost clumsy, as if the plan had been concocted in a hurry. The oncoming men flanked from one side of the camp to the other, sweeping through tents as if they were looking for something…. Or someone. 

His blood ran cold. They were looking for him. He drew back to Tori, looking at her in her pajamas and combat boots. This was no place for her. Priority one: get Tori to safety. Priority two: take out the enemy at all costs. 

“You ever fire a gun before, Tori?” he asked, knowing the answer before she could give it. She looked so calm, but there was a hint of terror in her eyes. She carried her heart on her sleeve if you knew how to look for it. 

“Once,” she answered, but he sounded like a lie. 

“Okay, I can work with that,” Bucky replied. “Do as I do. Follow my lead. I’m gonna get you somewhere safe, but I need you to have my back.” Tori nodded bravely. He couldn’t help the little grin that turned up the corner of his mouth. He leaned in and stole a quick kiss. “That’s my girl. C’mon.” 

He took her hand and launched forward, heading further in through the maze of ground vehicles. Right, then left, down four more and another right. Stop. Check to make sure no one was in pursuit. 

With the area clear of the enemy and the camp already in full out battle mode, Bucky hopped into the back of a munitions vehicle, pulling Tori up with him. He didn’t have too much time to decide on what he wanted, but there were plenty of options. He smiled almost darkly when he found a sniper rifle. “Hello gorgeous,” he purred, picking up his new weapon. A quick check, and then the safety was off, and he was locked and loaded. He slung the weapon over his shoulder and quickly scanned to find something that wouldn’t throw Tori backwards with the kickback. 

A side arm would do, he figured. Something small enough for her hands but not so small that it would kick hard. Peggy carried a Walther PPK, there had to be others. Granted, Carter was a soldier and trained, but Tori wasn’t your usual gal either. Gentle softness was granted to those that were worthy of it, and he’d heard about her standing up to the Colonel. He checked two cases quickly, scanning for the right kind of firearm, finding a Colt. Not exactly a PPK, but close enough. It would have to do until he could teach her a real lesson. He checked the barrel, loaded a magazine and without warning fired one shot into the ground to check. Tori didn’t even make a sound of surprise. 

“Okay,” he said, turning to her. “Safety here. It’s on. To click it off you push it this way.” He watched her expression. Her eyes were locked on the gun in his hand, clearly paying attention to every detail. “To reload, you release the magazine here.” He demonstrated. “Put the next clip in like this, safety off and you’re locked and loaded.” He handed her the gun. “Never put your finger on the trigger unless you intend to fire, got it?” She nodded. At that moment, he was so proud of her. But he had to be sure. “Show me, Tori.” 

“Safety here,” she repeated, clicking it on then off again. “Release the clip, reload.” She went through the motions as if she’d been doing this her whole life. “Never put my finger on the trigger unless I’m going to fire.” 

“That’s my girl,” Bucky grinned. He kissed her again, a little longer this time and with more urgency. “Keep the barrel pointed at the ground until you know you have the shot, okay?” 

“Okay,” she nodded. “James? If this goes south…” 

He shook his head and stopped her in her tracks. “It won’t,” he promised. “Trust me?” 

“Yes.”

“Then let’s go,” he said. “We’re going to find Steve and we’ll drive these bastards out of our camp. Don’t leave my sight, got it?” Tori nodded again and he hopped out of the truck, helping her down with him. “Keep your head down and move fast. We’re going in.” 

\--- 

He’d changed at the drop of a hat. For the first time since they met, the casual handsome boy with a soft smile was gone and before her was a seasoned soldier. She didn’t think there was anywhere safer for her to be than with him. Gun in hand, she clicked off the safety and kept the barrel pointed down at the ground. It felt cold and clunky in her hands, but she didn’t have time to think about it. Instead, she mimicked James’s body language. 

Even in the dark she could make out his form. His eyes were pointed forward, flitting from one spot to the next, taking in as much information about the battle formation as he could. They were just far back enough from the battle front that they could creep along the ground unseen and James could take it all in. She’d heard he was a sharpshooter, but now she saw it with her own eyes. He was terrifying and beautiful all at once. 

Suddenly he started rushing forward. He motioned with his hand over his shoulder to follow and sprinted out from the maze of vehicles into the open field. She inhaled sharply and followed, running as quickly and as silently as she could, while just ahead a full-on assault was taking place. Gunshots rang out in every direction. Chaos, pure and simple.

She caught up to him behind a few metal barrels. She didn’t even want to know what could be inside the drums. He sat back on the ground with his back pressing into the barrels and looked her over. “Come here often, doll?” he asked, clearly trying to keep her calm. 

“Usually only on Saturdays,” she answered a little breathless from the sprint.

James grinned at her. “Hands over your ears, sweetheart. It’s gonna get loud,” he said, then turned to put his rifle on the top of the barrels. She did as he ordered, clapping her hands over her ears, and peeking out through a crack between two of the barrels to keep an eye on the battle. 

A concussive wave hit her in her chest and instantly she watched one of the enemy attackers fall. James was focused, reloading quickly for the next shot. He took out two more like he was a machine before anyone seemed to notice where the shots were coming from. She couldn’t hear the cries of the men over the din of gunshots, but from the light of several fires that had broken out in the camp she could see their body language. A few were pointing in their general direction, another form silhouetted against the flames gestured for them to run, and James took out two more before he returned to sit behind the barrels with her. 

She hadn’t realized she was holding her breath, or how wide her eyes were until that moment. James seemed so calm about this whole situation. She’d seen the aftermath of a battle but had never been in one before. She gulped and watched in horror as the battle raged on through the camp. Her hands were still clamped over her ears, dulling but not drowning out the screams. 

“Tori!” James’ voice broke through, startling her enough to yank her focus from the battle back to him. “Don’t get lost on me now. I need you.” 

“I’m okay,” she lied. Was she lying? What was she feeling? Abject horror, disgust at mankind, yes. But what else? James didn’t look like he believed her, but it was all he was going to get for the time being. She could talk about her feelings later. They had to survive first. 

“They know we’re here,” he told her. “We’re gonna need to head left toward the mess. Stay tight and low and don’t look at anything, okay?” She nodded again and without another word, James checked around the side of the barrels, grabbed her hand and pulled her out. She ran as fast as she could, keeping her head down just as he told her. She could hear her heart pounding in her ears, feel the adrenaline pumping through her veins. She didn’t look ahead of herself, trusting that James knew exactly where they were going. Time seemed to slow down and rush forward simultaneously. 

They ducked through an opening in the mess tent and James threw a table on its side, pulling the two of them behind it. Without a second warning, he was back at it. Two more shots were fired before she could prepare for them, sending her ears ringing in response. She scooted away from him a little so she could peak around the other side of the table. He’d told her not to look, but she had to see—to know what she was in the middle of. 

Now she’d be able to appreciate and understand the horror her patients experienced in the throes of an episode. This was important. Someone must bear witness to this assault. She scanned the area, catching in the distance the flash of a red and white shield flying through the smoke. Seconds later it was caught by the Captain himself as he crashed through the battlefield unafraid of what might happen next. He exuded confidence the same way James did, and she wondered who had learned that from whom. 

Before she could ponder the question any longer, she caught sight of something moving in the corner of her eye. She whirled, pointing her gun directly at the motion. That was when time slowed to a crawl. She took in the sight of the man rushing toward her, his gun drawn. She saw the whites of his eyes and in them she could read he wasn’t from the Army. She squeezed the trigger, sending a shock through her arms and into her torso. She’d later know that as kickback, but in the moment, all she knew was something hit her square in the center of her chest.

James whirled, rifle at the ready, but the assailant had already fallen backwards. Victoria sat there with her arms extended as a little finger of smoke rose from the barrel of her gun and panted.

“Damn,” James muttered. “Nice shot, doll.”

Victoria dropped the gun and scrambled out from behind the table toward the man she’d just shot, hundreds of emotions swimming through her all at once. Adrenaline, fear, relief at still being alive, pride at saving herself and James, but also sorrow and guilt and pain.

The man had fallen face down when he was hit. She turned him over and found he was still gasping for breath. Without a second thought, she ripped open his jacket and shirt and found the wound. She’d hit him directly in the gut. It would be painful and not quick. She pressed down on the wound as the man, probably no more than nineteen years old, cried out in pain.

“Easy,” she said. “Easy now.”

He began whimpering in German. _“It hurts! It hurts!”_

 _“I know,”_ Victoria responded, her German was better than her Russian. Thankfully, Mrs. Schneider at the pharmacy was a patient woman. _“You’ll be alright, just focus on me, okay?”_

 _“I want my mother,”_ he began to sob softly. _“Am I dying?”_

She knew of no kindness in lies. _“Yes,”_ she told him, gulping a little. _“But you won’t die alone. I’m here.”_

 _“I’m scared…”_ he said, his eyes wide with fear.

 _“Me too,”_ she told him, honestly. The sounds of battle drowned out, either because she was focused on the man in front of her or because the battle was ending, either way it didn’t matter. She had a job to do. _“It’ll be over soon.”_

“Tori…” James said, breaking her attention. In his eyes was an unreadable emotion. “He’s the enemy…”

“He’s a human being, James!” she snapped. “He’s a human being and I shot him!” She was a nurse. She saved lives; she didn’t take them. Regardless of what brought this boy to their camp that night, she wasn’t supposed to be the person that killed him.

“What’s he saying?” James softened.

The boy was growing more and more delirious. His eyes didn’t quite see her anymore. He was muttering something under his breath. She leaned in closer to listen and screwed her eyes shut with fresh grief. “He’s praying…” she answered. “He’s asking God to forgive him.”

She felt, rather than saw James move closer to her. “Tori…” he murmured. “We have to know what brought him here. Can you ask him?”

“He’s dying, James,” she scolded him.

“I know…” James soothed. “I know, I’m sorry to ask you this, but can you try? Can you ask him what his orders were?”

Victoria looked down at the boy on the ground and took his hand in hers. They were both stained with blood. _“Soldier,”_ she said with as much authority as she could muster. The boys’ eyes snapped open, still wild with delirium. _“Mission report.”_

 _“What?”_ he asked.

 _“Mission report,”_ she repeated. Everything about this conversation was wrong. She felt her stomach turn. _“What are your orders?”_

 _“Infiltrate the American base,”_ he repeated. _“Retrieve the Soldier.”_

 _“What soldier?”_ she asked, shaking her head.

The boy gasped before a strange clarity seemed to dawn on him. His eyes finally saw her, and then saw James sitting next to her. His eyes widened a bit more with recognition. “You cannot hide, soldier,” he gasped in English. He bit down hard on something in his mouth. “Hail Hydra….” His mouth began to foam. A few more chokes and his eyes went dull. She felt his hand go limp in hers as his body breathed out its last breath.


	7. Learn to Live with It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Agent Carter…” she said after a long moment of thought. “What if I never forgive myself?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta'd by Elinor.

Bucky glanced over his shoulder to check on Tori. He’d draped his jacket over her shoulders and left her with a cup of coffee on Steve’s cot at the far end of the tent. She still had the blood of the Hydra agent on her pajamas. He sighed and shook his head. She was in one piece, but she didn’t leave the battle unscarred. No one ever did.

“You’re sure that’s what he said?” Steve asked grimly.

“Heard it with my own two ears,” Bucky replied. “Hail Hydra.”

“You said he and Norwack were speaking in German?” Peggy questioned. “Do you know what they said?”

Bucky shook his head. “No, ma’am,” he answered. “Not all of it. But I got the feeling she was just comforting him in his last moments.”

“Comforting the enemy?” Steve said, his brows rising.

“It’s not like that,” Bucky disagreed, straightening up. “She’s not one of them.”

“With all due respect, Sergeant Barnes, you’re not exactly thinking clearly,” Peggy reminded him. The tone in Peggy’s voice wasn’t one of judgement, more of concern.

“She’s right Buck,” Steve said gently.

Bucky couldn’t entirely blame them. He’d been a bit unstable since returning from the Hydra base. He sighed and shook his head. “Steve, she’s more than just a nurse to me,” he admitted. Steve’s expression softened. They’d been friends long enough by now that Bucky knew Steve would understand what he wasn’t saying in words.

“It is a little strange that she can speak German,” Steve said, putting his hand on Bucky’s shoulder.

“It’s a little strange that you’re taller than me now too,” Bucky reminded him.

Steve’s demeanor broke, a shy smile breaking over his poker face. “You’ve got me there,” he replied. 

Bucky looked over his shoulder again at Tori. She was watching the exchange intently. “Sorry, doll,” he said turning to her. “We don’t mean to talk about you like you aren’t here.” He crossed the tent to her and took the cup of coffee from her hands, helping her to her feet. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and brought her over to the table.

“It’s alright, Miss Norwack,” Steve said kindly to her. “No one’s accusing you of anything. We just want to understand what happened.”

“He called out for his mother,” Tori answered sadly. Bucky felt her lean against him. The poor woman must be exhausted. She’d seen things she wasn’t meant to see. Tori recounted most of the conversation, retrieving her coffee from Bucky and holding it in both hands to warm them. “He told me their mission was to retrieve the soldier,” she concluded. “The way he looked at James. I think James was the target.”

“Where’d you learn German, Miss Norwack?” Steve asked.

“My first job was at a pharmacy in Madison, Wisconsin. Owned by a man and his wife, The Schneider’s,” she explained. “They never had children of their own, they became something of a second family to me. They were German.”

“The wife could only say ‘bullshit’,” Bucky grinned at Steve.

“They hired me to help out Mrs. Schneider at the soda counter and the checkout,” Tori went on. “I learned German so I could help translate to the customers.” 

“I hope you understand it makes us a little uneasy,” Peggy chimed in from the other side of the table. “Russian is one thing, they’re allies. But German is unsettling.” 

“I know, ma’am,” Tori nodded. “If you don’t believe me, Agent Carter, feel free to look up the pharmacy. It’s at the corner of Monroe and Hamilton. The pharmacy is a storefront and the Schneider’s live in the apartment just above it. Their names are Hans and Greta Schneider.”

Bucky put a hand on her arm gently. “It’s okay Tori,” he soothed, hearing the exhaustion in her voice.

“Miss Norwack,” Steve began. 

“You can call me Tori,” she glanced up at Steve. Bucky grinned at her and squeezed her shoulders a little. They made eye contact then. “It’s growing on me.” Bucky’s grin widened and he gently booped her nose with his index finger, finally getting her to smile softly. 

“Tori,” Steve corrected himself. He was smiling too but trying to keep them on track. He put his hand on Tori’s left shoulder, the one opposite of Bucky. “I can’t imagine how you must be feeling right now. It’s never easy to have to take someone’s life, especially for someone whose job it is to save them. You did well today. We just want to be sure your motives here are clear.” 

Tori’s eyes glazed over with tears when Steve spoke. Bucky held her a little tighter. This was the kind of man Bucky knew and would follow to the ends of the Earth. Sure, it was unsettling for her to speak German so fluently considering the circumstances, but Steve was being kinder than most would be. 

“I would never endanger our people,” she promised, a tear sliding down her cheek. “Captain Rogers, I know how it looks, but he was just a boy. Maybe nineteen-years-old. We’ll never know what drove him to make the choices he made, but in the end… He was still a human. And I killed him to protect the people I care about.” 

Steve nodded, squeezing her shoulder a little. “I understand,” he said softly. 

Peggy came around the table and offered Tori her handkerchief. “You did a very brave thing today,” Peggy told her. 

Tori took the offered handkerchief and dried her eyes. “Thank you, ma’am.” 

“You should get some rest, Tori,” Steve went on. “You’re off duty for the next 48 hours. That’s an order.” 

Tori nodded and sobbed softly. “Yes, sir.” 

“It’s Steve,” he smiled. “Agent Carter, would it be alright for Tori to rest in your tent? I think she needs some space from the others.” 

Peggy smiled softly. “I think we can make that work,” she agreed. She gently took Tori from Bucky’s embrace, pulling the woman into her side. 

Bucky reluctantly let her go, reaching up to squeeze Tori’s jaw gently. “Keep your chin up, doll,” he said softly. “I’ll come by to check on you in a few hours.” 

Peggy spoke gently to Tori, smiling a little as she led the other woman out of the tent. It made Bucky sigh happily when he saw the exchange. “Thanks, Steve,” he muttered, finally letting his shoulders relax. It had been one hell of a night. What started as a romantic evening took a turn for the dramatic.

“She did good,” Steve said, watching the tent flap close. “I remember how I felt after my first kill. It’s…”

“It’s jarring,” Bucky finished when Steve trailed off. “We’re trained to do it. We know we have to, because if we don’t kill, we’ll be killed. But Tori… she had a thirty second crash course with me in the back of a munitions truck. That’s not enough to prepare for the responsibility.”

“No, it’s not,” Steve nodded.

They were quiet for a few moments. Bucky figured Steve was doing much the same as he was, replaying the first time he killed an enemy in the line of duty. For Bucky, he’d never forget the sound their body made hitting the ground. He shook his head as if he could rattle away the memory.

“What were you doing in a munitions truck, Bucky?” Steve asked, but his tone sounded like he already knew the answer.

Bucky smirked back, “I was on a date.”

\---

Agent Carter was softer than Victoria thought she might be. She’d been nervous when James brought her in for debriefing. Frankly, intimidated was more like it. Carter had a reputation for being a tough broad. It was a man’s world, and Carter was able to live in it. That’s more than many women could say for themselves, Victoria included.

“You can wear this,” Carter said in her light voice, accent smooth as silk when she spoke. It was a fresh pair of pajamas, simple cotton pants and a button-down shirt. Standard issue for the women, it seemed. Victoria peeled off the muddy clothes she had on and froze when she saw the blood on them, as if she was seeing it for the first time. Blood wasn’t new to her, she’d seen it on her hands, on the faces of the men that came back, mixed with mud… but this. This was different. The was blood that she shed, not in saving someone’s life, but in taking it.

It felt like a betrayal.

Flashes of the boy's eyes came to mind.

_I’m scared…_

_Momma!!_

_Am I going to die?_

She gulped, sniffing quickly.

“I remember the first time I had to fire on someone,” Carter said softly, pulling Victoria from her shock. Carter was looking at the stained pajamas too, gently taking them from Victoria’s grasp. Victoria hadn’t been aware she was clutching the clothing so hard until Carter spoke. “Nothing in your training prepares you for it. We’re told over and over again, it’s the enemy. It’s kill or be killed. But, in the aftermath of firing that weapon, it doesn’t seem to matter, does it.”

Victoria shook her head no. “How do I forgive myself?” she asked.

Carter looked sad when they made eye contact. “You don’t,” she replied. “Not for a long while, anyway.”

Victoria gulped again. “How long did it take you?” she asked.

“I haven’t,” Carter smiled sadly. “Wash your face, Victoria. You’ll feel better after you clean up and get some rest.”

Victoria shrugged the new shirt on over her shoulders, buttoning it with quivering fingers. “Agent Carter…” she said after a long moment of thought. “What if I never forgive myself?”

Carter came closer, putting both her hands on Victoria’s shoulders and turning the woman so they were face-to-face. “You learn to live with it,” she answered, her voice gentle but grave. “The first few weeks, it will be hard to sleep. You’ll see him every time you close your eyes. You’ll be haunted by the decision you made, wondering if there would have been another way to stop him. You’ll ask yourself if there could be another outcome. What if you’d aimed a little lower? What if you had moved out of the way? What if you hadn’t been there at all? Then, after a while you’ll start to accept that there was nothing you could have done. And then, you’ll start to almost move on. But out of the blue, you’ll hear an engine backfire, something will move too quickly toward you, or someone shout in surprise and it’ll take you right back. You’ll pass a person and they’ll look just like him and it’ll make your blood run cold. It never goes away, Victoria. It just… gets easier.”

Victoria nodded. “I’m not sure I know who I am anymore,” she finally admitted in a small voice that was strained. She was having a hard time making sounds over the lump in her throat.

“You are the same person as you were this morning,” Carter promised. “You were put in an impossible position tonight, Victoria. No one should ever have to carry the burden of taking another person’s life, especially not someone who's made a choice to save lives. You should be proud of yourself.”

“I don’t feel proud,” Victoria broke, a sob cutting through her statement. She felt her knees start to buckle and before she knew it, Carter had helped her to the cot nearby. Another sob shook her whole body before something warm curled around her. It was Carter, wrapping Victoria up in her arms and letting her sob into her shoulder.

“No, I suppose not,” Carter soothed, gently petting Victoria’s hair. “You were very brave tonight. Braver than most. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but you may have saved hundreds of lives. There’s no telling how many he would have taken with his gun.” Carter tucked Victoria’s head under her chin and sighed softly, starting to rock her a little.

“He was just a boy…” Victoria whimpered.

“I know,” Carter whispered. “They all are, aren’t they? Just young boys fighting a war they can’t possibly comprehend. It’s not fair, none of it. There’s no solace in believing you’re fighting for the right side, he believed he was fighting for the right side too.”

Victoria whimpered a little as a tear dripped down her nose. She’d never felt more confused in her life. If she’d never left her tent with James, she wouldn’t have been there to protect him. She saw herself how hyper-focused James was on what was in front of him, he didn’t even see the boy coming. But would James have been there either?

This must be what Carter was talking out—the thoughts, the what-if’s, the hundreds of scenarios that could have taken place that could have stopped this terrible thing from happening.

“What was his name?” Victoria asked. “The man you killed?”

“Edward,” Carter answered. “His name was Edward.”


End file.
